As the title suggests, this’ll be a barrel of laughs. If my brain insists on feeling like this, may aswell get something creative out of it to laugh at. These are one of those tricky situations listening to System of A Down won’t solve (Those situations exist? i know , I’m as shocked as everyone). If you want something less forcefully dark, watch a DC movie.
Or an episode of A Series of unfortunate events- I couldn’t decide which was a better reference (indecisiveness; a minor flaw, the rest are to follow).
Basically this is being written after my last pathetic over indulgent post about ugliness, in which I point out briefly how I’m stupid, annoying and ….Can’t remember the other thing , I accidentally closed the tab. Basically, now that my ugliness bothers me less, I’ve remembered everything else I didn’t like. I genuinely feel like I’m nothing or nobody.
I don’t feel likable, I’m not funny apart from maybe aesthetically, I don’t have a life (though I did recently win a Jumanji game in an arcade by spending money on tickets- can add ‘I haven’t heard of simply buying things’ to my list of sins)
I have no talent (thinking arcades are quite cool doesn’t count as one- I checked) I’m not serving any purpose, I’ve never helped anyone in any way ever. I even forgot to eat the chicken and bacon slice a friend left me after staying over. A price was placed on a chicken and a pig’s life that won’t be worth it ….oh god that’s depressing let’s move on from that….to focus on other depressing things YAAAAY.
Also I can’t drive, I’m not smart in ANY way.
I’ve had one full time job in my life. Overall, I feel totally pathetic and useless for someone my age. I am trying to sort those things out by looking for jobs and getting back into driving lessons but I just know I won’t be going anywhere fast with either. I know other people might lack in some of the abovementioned areas and I do NOT suggest everyone who does should feel like they’re nothing, it’s just how I feel at this second. I guarantee people lacking in some of these areas are better at life for other reasons which totally balance it out. I failed miserably as a support assistant for kids with learning difficulties. Although, to be fair I never expected to get in trouble with the head; If a student asks if you’re looking forward to Guardians of the Galaxy being released after they’ve done their work, surely you should answer- that’s just how I was raised. Of course, the most acceptable answer is
But ‘Yeah’ is also acceptable…or atleast I’d have thought so before getting into trouble with the Head teacher for saying it. I also failed working in a supermarket. Though, to be fair, never expected to get into trouble with the manager, if a customer asks if you’re looking forward to Guardians of the Galaxy being released, surely you should answer. Ok, it didnt happen in the supermarket, which is a shame their isles are big enough that this is possible:
Also I’ve just realised how vividly I remember the time building up the release of the first Guardians, feels like ages ago, maybe I’ve been using the time stone.
. I’ve also been single for longer than I was comfortable admitting in a party game. Which wouldn’t be a problem but no one else I know has anywhere near as much trouble in this area- just objectively a loser. I’ll give you a clue; it’s more than 6 years but less than 8, oh damn. That’s quite a big clue, I’ll edit that out. Damn, I forgot
The one issue with openly discussing these things is the fear of losing friends; feeling like no one likes me anyway should be a plus there. But how do you respond if someone says all this to you personally. I wouldn’t want to be an annoyance to just one person (well, more of an annoyance than I am to start with). I’ve been in plenty of situations where I haven’t had a clue how to comfort someone;
Knowing how awkward it can be, it doesn’t feel fair forcing someone into it. Even if they did consider giving me their watch. I feel like it’s better to broadcast this widely leaving an option to read than it is to interfere with someone else’s life and force them to listen. I really feel like I’m in everybody’s way, that I’ve got no friend spend more time alone than I want to . But not quite enough time alone according to people I’m spending time with whenever I’m not alone. Also I guarantee you this will never happen
Person 1: I feel low about myself I feel like I’ve never achieved anything I’m not good at anything and I totally fail at even the most basic fundamental parts of being a human – including the things literally everyone else can do easily
Person 2: nah mate
*All of person 1’ problems completely fade immediately and they’re given instant self-worth*
‘Instant self-worth, just add water’ if anyone ever wants that as a business idea please take it, just credit me partially. I’ll leave scientists figure out the minor details like ‘is it literally impossible’ etc.
I honestly feel like nobody would notice if I vanished- at best they’d feel a bit less irritated generally but wouldn’t be able to figure out why.
I feel really low about myself now and it makes me feel even worse knowing I’m acting like a self-absorbed little baby and writing about it at length. For someone so worried about offending anyone – it’s a miracle I haven’t stopped talking and started walking around wearing a paper bag.
I do feel guilty ; several people with actual problems we never know about can cope with their genuinely serious issues far better than I’m coping with whatever this is. I can be happy, and usually when a situation concerns something that doesn’t involve me being a failure, I am #findsomeonewhocandoboth. Ever think about how someone was the first person to put the hashtag before a comment?
While we’re at it, you know what animal crash bandicoot is? HE’S A BANDICOOT
I don’t know what else to do other than write this. After All I can’t tell Mr Stark that I don’t feel so good (good lord that scene). You don’t have to read this through, whether you feel like is up to you- sounds like something they’d write on one of the cards in Jumanji- did I mention I’ve got the board game of that? . Might return it, it hasn’t made me disappear for 26 years that’s all I wanted from it. I genuinely haven’t ever felt as sick of anything as I am of myself- not even Jared Leto, that’s when you know it’s bad. Hopefully I’ll feel better enough soon that I realise what a bad idea writing this was and just delete it. There are a hell of a lot of words in here, though –want proof that sometimes I actually know how to use them. My degree/masters assignments prove the total opposite. Anyway, I know almost everyone feels like this at some point, and if it happens to anyone reading, then I’m a person you can contact. I know people have it FAR worse than me, to the point I’m embarrassing myself even posting this. But hopefully :
Also, if someone avoids addressing their feelings on the basis that someone else in the universe they might not even know might feel worse, we’d all cause more problems for ourselves . I won’t always know what to reply but it’s always worth getting these sorts of thoughts out, I’ll happily be an outlet (not like an outlet you put electric plugs into – it hurts, trust). Apologies if this sounds overly attention seeking or false or self-indulgent; this wasn’t the aim. However, if someone still thinks it’s all of those things after I’ve acknowledged that, there isn’t really much I can do. To lighten the mood, for the tricky situations System of A Down won’t solve, why not try a cover version of their song from Robyn Adele Anderson , a woman I may have a crush on. I’m genuinely unsure…but I don’t think so….but then again -ugh, indecisive , I told you.